Tainted
by Ambrosia xo
Summary: She wants you, you know she does. You can see it in her eyes every time she looks at you. You want her too, so badly. But you can't do anything about it. You're tainted. Trigger Warning, deals with sexual assault/sexual abuse.


Authors note - This is my first official fanfic, so i hope you guys like it and leave me some feed back. I may turn this into a multi-chapter fic if you beautiful people request it :)

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of their characters.

Tainted

It's you and her and a few other friends having your weekly hangout in the bar up the street from your apartment.

You can't help but stare at her, she's perfect.

She wants you, you know she does. You can see it in her eyes every time she looks at you. You want her too, so badly. But you can't do anything about it.

You're tainted.

She's asked you before to tell her what's wrong but you could never bring yourself to let the words slip past your lips. You know that once she knows things will be different, and that scares you more than your own thoughts and nightmares. Maybe if you weren't so screwed up you could ask her on a date, show her how much you love her and want her, forever.

Fuck, now you're thinking about it and you feel your eyes water and you just wish so badly that things were different, so you press your drink to your lips and gulp until your glass is empty.

You stand up and tell everyone that you're going to call it a night because you don't feel well and they all offer you feel betters and goodbyes except for her. You say one last goodnight and you can't help but take one last look at her, and you can't help but feel guilty when you see the worried look on her face. You walk out of the bar and can immediately tell that your emotions are far too strong for you to be out for longer than five minutes without breaking down so you walk as fast as you can and you manage to make it home in a minute and five seconds.

The moment you're inside your apartment you change into shorts and a sports bra, you can tell that tonight is going to be much harder than usual and you're always most comfortable when wearing this. You didn't notice when you started crying but now all you can register is the pain that's coursing through your body. It's all coming back to you and you can feel everything that you felt that night and everything hurts, so so bad. Before you know it you're curled up on the floor clutching at your sides so tightly that it should hurt but you really can't tell right now because the pain is everywhere.

Your thoughts drift to her and all you can think of is how you'll never be good enough or worthy, how you'll never be what she deserves and god, it hurts even more and all you can do is close your eyes and cry even louder.

You don't know how long you've been in this position, but you suddenly feel small hands pulling your hands from your side and your first instinct is to fight back because if this happens to you again you know you won't be able to survive. You open your eyes, ready to push away but your body freezes up when you realize that it's her. You want to ask her how she got in but you just sob harder and then you're suddenly being pulled up and into her arms and for the first time the pain lessens. She's whispering to you, telling you that she's got you, she loves you, and she's not going anywhere. You end up with your face tucked into her neck, your arms wrapped around her and you realize that this is the safest you've felt.

Your tears and sobs stop abruptly when you realize what you're doing so you unwrap yourself from her and pull away, walking to the other side of the room. You look away from her start apologizing, telling her that you're sorry, that you didn't mean for her to see you like this. She doesn't say anything so you turn around and how did you not realize that she was crying? It hits you suddenly that she's never seen you cry before, no one has, and you immediately know that whatever it is that you have with her will never be the same. You know what she wants, the look on her face says it all and then the internal battle begins. She won't look at you the same, she'll only be disgusted by you and she-, you're broken out of your thoughts by her soft voice.

"Please."

You've never heard her sound so small and your resolve breaks. So you close your eyes, let out a harsh breath and tell her.

Tell her how those men grabbed you that night, pulled you into a van and there was a little girl who couldn't be more than 10 in the van with you and you begged and pleaded for them to let her go because even though you didn't deserve this, she didn't either. You tell her how they laughed and let the little girl go, how they drove off and stopped on an empty road, how they pulled you out of the van and raped you over and over again, how they did things to you that you'll never forget, said things to you that you think you'll always believe. You tell her how they were right, that you aren't worthy and no one is ever going to want you because you're tainted in the worst possible way. You tell her how hours later when they were finally done using you, they got back into the van, laughed and called you a selfless savior, told you that it's a shame that no one would ever save you like you saved that little girl and drove off.

You open your eyes to find tears streaming down her face and it's enough to break you even more. You ask her if that's what she wanted to know, if she's happy now that she knows how fucking disgusting you are. You don't give her a chance to respond, you walk towards your bedroom without a glance back and tell her that you think you'll always love her, that it was a pleasure knowing her, and to turn the lock on her way out.

You're exhausted, so you throw yourself face down on your bed and close your eyes, hoping that a black hole will appear and swallow you.

She knows now.

You let out a shaky breath, it's not seconds later that those hands you thought you'd never feel again are turning you over, the lips you thought you'd never taste are on yours and you can't help but kiss back right away. She pulls away and you look up at her seeing the tears in her eyes so you lift your hand and wipe them away.

The moment is so intimate and the silence is so loud.

She straddles you and holds your face with both hands to make sure you don't look away. She says that she loves you even more than before, that she wants you more than before, and she promises that even though it'll be hard, she's going to do whatever she can to help you because she just wants to be with you forever. She says you're everything she wants, needs, deserves, and she wonders if she's the one who isn't worthy because you're just so amazing. You kiss her, hard, and tangle her hair with your fingers and when she smiles into the kiss you can't help but smile too. You know that there's so much to talk about and that you're still going to have nightmares and bad thoughts, and then there's the whole sex thing, but, you feel like you can make it through as long as you have her. She breaks the kiss and lays down beside you, putting an arm around you and tucking her face into your neck. You kiss the top of her head when you feel your body begging for sleep and as much as you don't want to sleep right now, you're just too tired. For right now it's more than enough, so you close your eyes and moments later sleep takes you.


End file.
